Silent Light, Holy Light!

Ahhh…the last Monday of 2013 has arrived with 11 inches of wet heavy snow to top the sheer ice that fell for 3 days last week. The beauty and the silence is astounding. I'm snowbound until Stephen gets home from his day coaching kids at Sunday River and the temperatures are actually pretty civilized at a balmy 28 degrees. I set off on my first snowshoe of the season in search of the beauty of the day. Didn't get too far. Didn't have to even move really but I felt the pangs of cabin fever and needed to tramp down a path to the barn where the chickens are hanging out for the winter. I was rewarded with a fresh egg and the fresh air in my lungs motivated a tromp through the woods. Everytime I do something for a first time since my girl Sadie was killed, it brings the sweet tart taste of love and loss. I can hear her footprints beside and behind me. I continue to talk to her even though she isn't there. I miss her desperately. I sensed in myself a missing component while walking in the woods. A lack of confidence? A vulnerability? I don't know. Just her not being there made me feel less safe. I don't know why. I found a slow as molasses pace was in order as I got my snowshoe footing. I slipped a bunch of times on the steeper terrain and was glad to have my ski pole to catch my balance. Sadie flushed turkeys and grouse. Her instincts told me things when we walked together…she would become cautious for no apparent reason and moments later, I might run into a hunter in the woods. She managed to give my animal self better vision and hearing just by being herself. When I fell, she would stand by me until I righted myself. Her slaphappy tongue would hang to the left and she would joyously bound over trees, thickets and stumps…incurably drawn to a bubbling stream, she would find her favorite spot and lie down like she was enjoying her spa. Then she would burst out of the cold water and race around as though she knew by heart every last fallen tree or hurdle that needed jumping. I had to go to her favorite spot to tell her I am still here and doing the same things we loved to do together. How much of a companion she was, I never fully appreciated until now…now that she is gone.

Perhaps that is what it is like to turn and face full on the cold and dark of December. On November 14th when I got home to find Stephen sobbing by the fire, and to discover my girl had been killed…her light went out and with it, a piece of my own light blew out as well. November's chill and bleakness settled into my heart and the shortness of the days became a glaring anticipation of months of winter. The effects of seasonal affective depression are widespread and very real. Sometimes you just have to give in and allow the depths of grief to clench at your heart. The only thing that cures it is the passage of time…the return of the light. I have been absorbing slowly what it means to not have her beside me anymore. I don't love the flavor, but I am getting used to it. Christmas passed very quietly…a restful time spent with Stephen and our sons…a naked Christmas tree with only a treetop angel for an ornament and a double strand of colored lights. What is my story of naked? It is the way my heart feels without my small friend Sadie. It is the stark reality of being vulnerable and the feeling of responsibility for the loss of life that was entrusted into my care. It is just me…authentic, imperfect and human me. I cannot change reality with bargains with God…or promises of better attention. Done is done. Sadie is the last life that was planted in my Garden this year. Like a spring bulb she was set deep in the dirt. Her life energy or soul is communing with the deepness of the inner Earth…feeding bugs and worms and all manner of creepy crawly creatures. I sink with the weight of my sadness. Her being planted makes me think about the trees…the garlic…the asparagus and rhubarb that surround her. Something of her spirit was present under the Christmas tree where last year, she lay watching the Christmas commotion.

She was my loyal animal self and she is dead…and I have been weighed down by my heavy heart. I have been slowed down…exhausted…dead tired. I feel my energy being sucked in by the great mother Earth. And yet today…while snowshoeing in the woods…I became overwhelmingly grateful to the trees. Heavy with the weight of snow and ice, they spoke to me. It's OK Elise…we have her. Our roots are feeding on her love. Her spirit is joy and we want you to feel it. I sang a song to the trees…an old Peter Paul and Mary tune came to mind…All My Trials…I had a little gift was given to me…and every breath sighed liberty…all my trials Lord…soon be over. After I hummed the song, I felt the love of the trees…their fresh oxygen filling my lungs. And I thought of Sadie feeding their roots and I thought of my naked Christmas Tree and my naked self…being fed in some primal way by my own grief. The trees said…hey Lisa…let her feed the root and as she does, you bring forth her joyous spirit. The season of light is upon you and light is silent. Light doesn't talk in words. It simply shines. And suddenly I understood my naked Christmas Tree and my dead girl under the ground and the weight of grief. And I know it is all ok. All of it. I can bear the sadness. Yes I weep. Yes, I howl and keen, Yes, it hurts. And yes…she loved me and she still does. And so do all the other beloved family members who have passed into light…and they still love. So as I stand here rooted by my garden and it's vegetables, I breathe in the joy of that love and I am lighter. I can handle grief and I can handle joy…so Mother Nature…bring it on! With my roots planted deep…I can withstand whatever comes my way…and I can keep shining . As long as I live…I will shine. And when I die? I'll feed the worms that aerate the soil of my children…and I will keep shining.

Thank you December. I have eaten well…rested…immersed myself in the love of my husband and sons. I have found ways to honor the life of my dog and I look forward to seeking out a new dog spirit in the summer. I will continue to open the gifts given by my sweet Sadie until my heart becomes as light and fleet as she was romping in the woods. Whether decorated or not, there is always love beneath my tree and love in my heart. In this…I am confident!