feels lazy and we've had solid warmth here all of September and October. I took Sadie walking in the woods. She owns the woods. She works the trails like they are her personal agility courses and she covers 5 times the distance I do in half the time. I deliver myself over to the woodsy smells of fall mushrooms and decaying leaves. Most of the reds are gone now but when the sun comes out, the whole forest shimmers in gold. Oak leaves hold on the longest and yet they seem to cover the ground as well as the trees. The leaves rustle together in the wind...a single twitchy tone but music nonetheless.I breathe deeply. The air is so fresh...so cool and invigorating that I simply have to stop and gulp as much as I can...such is my hunger for the change in the air. Air and wind...leafsong and autumn smells. My hair blows free and every step I take is an adventure. The dry leaves are slippery and you can't know what's underneath until you take that step. I try to be cautious but not overly so. My young heart wants to run through the woods with my dog but my older self knows the treachery beneath the dry leaves and so I am happy to walk...to breathe and to listen.
Suddenly, Sadie comes pell mell from behind screeching and then whimpering. Something has scared her. Some wild imagining or perhaps another animal she has startled. I think I smell skunk when she lays down on the path in front of my feet...but upon closer sniffing, I think not. Maybe she stepped on blackberry bramble. I don't know. She changes the pace of her walk after that moment. She is less boisterously curious. She is more reserved and almost cautious. I'm reminded of myself...moving happily but more slowly in the woods. Since my shoulder accident last February, I have been scared and slowed down. I feel like I'm recalibrating to a slower pace. I don't want to give in to getting old. So I'm torn between denial and caution. I've got a slower rhythm happening and while in it, I feel good. Just like my usual self. That accident startled me as it came out of the blue when I was just going about my usual day. Like a bolt out of the blue. Sadie is my mirror. I observe the change in the body language and the change in her pace. One scare and the entire rest of our walk is affected. Night comes and in her sleep she wimpers and moans. When I wake up to pee, she climbs into the bed with me and after a few moments, I'm aware she is shivering...a tremble that tells me she is afraid.
My animal self still feels the scare of my accident. My body seeks safety and time to build confidence. The wind blows. I guess fear is like having the wind knocked out of your sails. Of course there is a change of pace. Of course I am being guided to slow down. The simple adjustment in the speed with which I move through my day has far reaching implications. Reality says...slow down Elise...you are aging and your limits are changing and you need to learn what those limits are. Here I can begin an internal argument. I could say...oh bother, don't give in to your aging process or you will give up to it. Well that sounds like foolishness to me. Why is aging such a process to be avoided? Why is it seen as a negative? Just because you don't choose to run through the woods over dry slippery leaves, doesn't mean you've surrendered yourself to being a decrepit old lady. Nope. I'm happy with my slower pace. It feels natural.
The wind blows and I feel myself let go of a dust cloud surrounding my brain. There is something mysterious about the way the wind asks to take away all my mental turmoil. I want to give myself to the wind...surrender to the fresh vital movement...let the airy fairies do their magic on my heart and mind. As the wind blows, it asks me to let go. As I do, I hear a flutter overhead. A large red tail lifts off from a nearby tree branch. Both Sadie and I stop to watch it's flight. I have the feeling I am taking Mother Nature's course as mother nature takes her course. Letting go of the drive and the inner stress of argumentative voices, I feel the peace of woods and mountain. The air moves me. The wind moves through me. I am in Nature who is in me. I take a deep breath. This course feels like a course in miracles as all the peace of my environment...the great river, the quaking trees and the still strong mountains...enters my heart and as it does, that deep peace fills my being. I feel it more truly than ever before...the feeling of arriving home.
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