Shine On Sadie!

Sadie joined the Shining Ones yesterday as she frolicked with a beloved friend. One moment of inattention and her life was done. Stephen and I keep going over the choices of the day in a last ditch effort to understand how this moment happened. Every thought, every minuscule choice…every question of how it could have been different is the desperate mind trying to make sense of the insensible. My bones ache with cold…a shock is a shock. I feel numb and my heart fills with the  nearness of her presence and the permanence of her loss. The house is soooo empty. I look out the window and see her tennis ball on the grass. Just yesterday morning she sat on the hill beside it, waiting patiently for me to come out and throw it for her. Now she rests under 4 feet of cold earth, between the rhubarb and the asparagus, with her favorite treats, her frisbees and a ball. We can glean a bit of comfort from the fact that she was engaged in a happy romp when her moment came. The poor old lady who hit her never even saw her…and it's likely she never saw the car coming either. She was here…running, happy, sharing her boundless joy at one moment and the next moment found her wholly dead. She never even had a chance to cry. Her wounds were devastating but she never felt the pain. I thank God for that.

Now…as with any death of a close loved one…I feel like I'm wobbling. Reality has changed and my balance is askew. My core feels ripped open and raw. I am trying to focus on how deeply grateful I feel for her short life with us. We were the lucky folks who got to wake up with her every morning…licking our faces and rolling about in the pillows and blankets. Every day began with a lovefest. A pack meeting…bellies up…vulnerabilities on the table and then a romp outside in the morning air followed by breakfast. Sadie has always inspired me by her enthusiasm and the confidence she had in her body when traipsing through the woods. But her presence in the now is something that I hope to practice for the rest of my life…in her memory. She carried no baggage from one day into another. And when she leaped off the back porch and landed into today, it was with all of her heart. I sometimes feel like I've been living my life halfheartedly…too much fear…not enough love. Sadie created love in every encounter she had. She loved people and canines…children and elderly ladies…tiny dogs and huge dogs….she met them all with a warm belly-up! When we went into the bank today, we wept with all the bank staff who knew her and loved her with their treats. People everywhere loved Sadie. She would have made a wonderful therapy dog…but alas…she WAS a therapy dog, training or no. She listened to every word I said…head cocked…bright intelligent eyes intent on understanding. She never "didn't feel like" going walking. She was ever ready.

There just aren't any words that do justice to the depth of my heart ache. There is no turning back the clock. Reality is permanently altered. As much as I long to run my fingers through her soft white neck fur and scratch her little buzz-bottom, those days are gone. Now, I can only hope and pray that her shining spirit will continue to love walking in the woods with me…that her soft, gentle and understanding eyes will continue to look down on me when I hurt…and that the legacy of her life will continue to inspire me to live a life that is governed by love and joy despite fear. She was always a star. And she will forever be a star…my Dog Star Miss Sadie Hopkins.