November Bittersweet

There is ice on the shallow bogs and frost on the pumpkin. Darkness descends at 4:30 and the wood stove is burning more often than not. Hunter's orange is the fashion trend and I seem to surrender to a deep tiredness that appears like a reflection in all I see. There are endless small still lives to focus on. The milkweed pods explode with their fluffy white seeds seeking great cold gusts of wind and all kinds of seeds are dressed for travel. The golden browns and husks of summer's fruits are just shells…empty shells. All of the tasks related to winter are done. These November days have been temperate, but there is talk of a snow storm for the middle of next week. I can revel in being prepared.

My Halloween face all angry, red and swollen with poison ivy welts has begun to subside. Mother Nature dressed me up as the ugly witch sister. I spent 5 days on a big dose of prednisone feeling undeserving of the conflict such pharmaceuticals create within my heart. Damn. Poison Ivy is natural. Wouldn't you think some Sweet Fern would have done the trick? But the welts were large and close to my eye and the strange yellow seeping fluid scared me. I got behind the medical model but as the moon eclipsed on Sunday morning, I was out seeking homeopathic remedies to help bridge the gap from pure medical to "open to everything". Allowing the time for nature to work a healing can be an act of courage. Things get worse before they get better. So…I've been talking to the girl in the mirror! There is a new energy in the observer observing me. As my ugliness exposes itself, I find I am in a position of power. I can shame myself…beat up on myself for being "rude, crude, and unattractive"…feel guilty for not being a perfect human…or I can observe myself gently…see the reflection and let it melt away. The same dichotomy exists in the medical vs herbal approach to healing. One can reach for the overpowering pharmaceuticals for a harsh, abrupt and severe approach or one can reach for a more gentle, patient answer. My choice!

I chose to stay in Maine…to not drive the long distance on a medication I'd never experienced before. My way of being gentle with myself. Why was it so hard to be satisfied with my choice? Does anyone else agonize so over choices? Twice I've heard the same advice…don't over think this. Like "just let go"…it's easier said than done. Stay put and exercise seems to be the message from the universe. At least when I exercise, the mental cloud that hovers around my brain dissipates and I can finally feel myself alive without thinking about it. It's like my head is a big brown seed pod and all my thoughts are seeds seeking some fair wind to scatter them far and wide.

The drama of October and Halloween is over. The thinning of the veil between the worlds has passed. November brings me to the season for giving thanks as many begin to count their blessings as the holidays begin to approach. I feel the gathering of the ancestors…my grandparents, my Dad, sister, all my relations who shine among the stars of eternity. They are arriving for the holiday season and their presence is bittersweet. There is the bitterness in their being gone…the cold void left behind. But such sweetness in the memories they touch…and the warmth of their nearness that can feel surreal. Just now…I see myself building a healing bridge that stands on a foundation of gentleness and faith in life. The stars are coming out in the night sky and they shine their magic light on my process…keep me company…bless me with encouragement. November is bitter…and sweet…and cold….and dark. The last preparation for winter is to harvest the meat. We will do a lamb again this year. I don't like this part…and yet …a real relationship with food requires a killing moment whether animal or vegetable. Nothing gets out of this Earthwalk alive.