I adore the birds. They are solace when my heart aches and medicine when I feel lonely. They inspire me and encourage me when I lose heart. I can be worn out and overwhelmed as I work in the garden, and the sudden explosion of a Scarlet Tanager passing through the woods can lift my heart to a more energetic place. Suddenly, I have a new burst of enthusiasm for my tedious effort. I think too much and I sing too little. Since 2008, I have been writing this blog in one form or another. I write to celebrate the way the wild can bring balance to my life. I write myself toward transparency and hope that as I reveal the truth of my heart, I will shed the feathers of conditioning and the lies I have told myself to make other people happy. My singular purpose at this stage of my life is to be me and to enjoy my own uniqueness…something I wish I started many years ago. For some reason, I have been very encumbered by misguided priorities. I work hard to anticipate what others expect of me and I learned well that if one is not doing for others, one is selfish. As one can see from the Wild Blogs…I think way too much and consequently find myself tripped up by self doubt and insecurity. I know I have lots of company. I feel a bit like that whale in a video that I saw…all entangled in fishing line…unable to move or even breathe well until a scientist out at sea, studying dolphins, freed the whale from the line. The weight of it…the tangle of it…all kind of a symbol of myself trying to free myself from encumbrances.
Sometimes it is important to cut clean, the cord. Tied up in all those fibers and knots, I found an old dream flickering…about to be blown out. The dream was to publish a book. I discovered that Blurb has a software for turning a blog into a book, so I have been slowly pulling together a book that has already been created. It is kind of a favor to that inner 12 year old. I will only publish a few copies because it will be over 200 pages…but when finished, I will be able to hold it and read when I go to the bathroom. I will be free of that nagging disappointment that I have yet to accomplish that goal. All that effort will finally become a fruit. Finally an end to that inner sense of disappointment. Which means…the beginning of something new. The process of working each page for a book is tedious. It is just computer stuff, using templates and setting up the essays with the photos. I have already completed 160 pages. For some reason…It seems like a big red dot needs to go right here. A punctuation mark ending one me and beginning another. I want to spend the rest of my life singing my heart out…taking each moment with an open heart and committing myself to life wholeheartedly. Next week, we begin our summer of baby life. On June 12 we will bring home 6 baby chicks and 4 baby ducks. Exactly a month later, we bring home our new puppy…Sadies sister from this most recent generation. I feel like a new mom…all excited…anticipatory…but at the same time, afraid of the dependency…11 little lives all dependent on me. My boys laugh at me. Geez, Mom…you brought up us. And I laugh. Yes. I did. And I realize I am doing something for the first time…and inevitably, I'm fearful. I hope I can do lots of things Ive never done before. Because like Rilke said so long ago…we should all resolve to be beginners at each thing we do. It is that vulnerable moment…perched on a branch about to do something you must do and feeling the paralysis of fear. But still…you jump. Because you have too. And because it makes you quiver with the feeling of being wholly alive. Wild.
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